I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
