Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
