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Quick, to the slutcave!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He passed out mid-signature
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
