I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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