"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
