So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
