also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
