dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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