I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
