he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
