you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
