Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
