And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
