I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
