his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
