and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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