dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
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My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Your penis caused this!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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