I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm way too hungover for life right now
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
