i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
