When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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