my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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