wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
