The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
