"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you would pick up someone in the library
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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