Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
is wine microwaveable?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
