if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
