I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
