I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
