I like to think it a success when the cops are called
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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