Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
smell my finger.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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