after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
