i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
