i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
