Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
