Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
