I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
stop calling my apartment porn island.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
