I cockslap morals
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
