Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
