ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
