I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My penis needs a shock collar
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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