well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
