drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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