Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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