bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
