Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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