Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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