My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
