I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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