just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
