I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize