I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
