I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
