its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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