Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
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Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
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Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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