weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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