I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
