When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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